Selfishness

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Twice in Proverbs Solomon writes these words. They appear in chapter 14 verse 12, and again in chapter 16 verse 25. Both instances occur during long passages of comparison between the man who does what is righteous and wise, and he that does what is wicked and foolish.

I am recently married. My lovely wife and I said our vows on August 10, and we’ve been enjoying the bliss of our new life together since then in perfect harmony and undisrupted union. If you believe that you are clearly single. I certainly do not mean to convey that our marriage is struggling or in trouble, but anyone who is married will be able to confirm that its not always easy. Even in the “honeymoon” stage there is friction as two people begin to unite what had previously been two lives into one.

One of the interesting changes that occurs after marriage is everyone wants to know, “how it’s going?” Everyone around a new married couple is curious to know and share in the joy and freshness of the relationship. Most of the time this is a good thing, and “things are great,” is not only a sufficient response, but its also the most truthful reaction I can muster. Yet already in my marriage something is happening that I’ve always been told would: that dreaded “learning.”

Another common refrain from well intentioned people, is that you’ll learn a lot in marriage. That things will change and you’ll have to grow together and learn together how to move forward together. It’s one thing to hear this wisdom before the ceremony, and another to live it after the vows. When reflecting on the things I’m “learning,” through the first months of my marriage, I’m often disappointed. I’m disappointed because the most recurring lesson, and trust me it’s frequent, I’m confronted with is my own selfishness.

Now, when I say my own selfishness, I don’t just mean that I have a tendency to respond selfishly. That reality, though uncomfortable, has been intellectually present in my mind for a while. Unpleasant? yes. New? No. What is new is being shown just how habitually selfish my life is. Humans, no matter how “spontaneous,” we perceive ourselves to be, are creatures of habits. We set patterns for ourselves and how we are going to conduct our lives, make decisions, interact with other people. We do this intuitively and often without thinking in a strategic or intentional way.

What I have been confronting in my marriage has been the habits of life I’ve brought to the relationship being shown to be selfish to the core. The expectations I have on habits of communication, time management, decision making are all crafted in a context that made it easy to indulge my own selfish desires. The key problem being: these habits did not suddenly become selfish now that I am married. What I’m realizing is that my habits of behavior have been rooted in a fundamentally selfish field for a long, long time.

This gets us back to the verses we started with, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” These passages have grown in their impact on me as I have had my recent revelations. I didn’t realize that I was for years forming habits that are fundamentally self-centered partially because those habits had so little interaction with any other people. I was living in a way that seemed right to me! These verses are a reminder that even when I think I’m doing well, or behaving in a way that doesn’t impact anyone else, even there is a breeding ground for my sinfulness to lead me on the ways that end in death. Left to my own devices I will tend toward sin and selfishness.

It’s been humbling to walk through these reflections over the last few months, but it has been even more encouraging. Though all that I’ve said to this point is true, marriage has been a tremendously gracious gift. Not only is God using it to reveal areas of my character that I didn’t even know needed to become more like Christ, He’s using my wife to manifest and demonstrate grace to me. Every time Rebekah extends grace and love to me I am reminded that Christ is doing likewise, and by doing so His transforming work is being accomplished.